Integrative / Intuitive Health and Empowerment Coaching
'Mamaita's Journey uses the gifts of a clinical academic and intuitive to empower seekers to discover that 'missing something' they need to make their life MORE!
Catch your thoughts....
April 19, 2014
My Reason for being...
May 1, 2013
'Guilty of Libel...?'
June 3, 2014
What message does your relationship with yourself give others?
March 18, 2014
'Sometimes I wonder how on earth I managed to pull myself out of the emotional mess that I was in. Sometimes I wonder how I ever actually managed to understand how I had got into that mess in the first place…but I finally did understand…and this was the beginning of the road to recovery.'
I wrote this in my original blog just over a year ago, and have shared since then with many women who were either in, just out of or contemplating an adult relationship. It was than, as it remain, a very powerful learning piece for me. But looking back upon it now, I have astonished myself at just how far along I have come from that point, a year ago. I will explain more in my next post. But for now, I will leave you with the original... and ask you to consider the question: 'What message does your relationship with yourself give to others?
Today I have been thinking… yes, those who know me well, know that I think… a lot! I have been thinking about some of the questions that I asked myself in the process of emotional healing and how I woke up to the ways that I was devalued in some of my relationships. This relationship dysfunction had been present in many of my adult relationships. I had come a very long way in my emotional healing, with consistent counselling and treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but it was one relationship in particular that had spurred me on to the final phase of healing… that made me realise that I was slipping backward… into my ‘old ways’… Although it caused me heartache and pain at the time, I am so grateful for it, for that person, for this relationship and the person who finally helped me to close the emotional wounds caused by my dysfunctional relationships and the emotional abuse I had endured for so very many years….
Here are the questions that helped me to clear the fog…
Is there an equal amount of say in the plans, or does one person in the relationship usually make the decision?
Do I agree to wait for someone, just in case there is a plan?
Do I find myself getting anxious when there are no solid plans but am still unable to ask for a plan or denied the opportunity to ask for a plan?
When someone is consistently late, how does that make me feel?
Do I feel like I am being a nag or a drag if I ask someone not to be late?
Would I dare ask them not to be late?
Am I outspoken about my disappointments in relationships?
Do I feel like I don’t really have a right to ask for fair treatment?
What would scare me about asking for fair treatment?
Do I feel like the success of the relationship depends on me?
Do I feel like the relationship depends on how compliant I am; on how cooperative I am; on how little I ask for?
If I don’t believe that I am worthy of fair treatment, how will someone else know that I am?
I am talking about equal value. That if someone wants to wait until the last minute to make plans with me, and it bothers me, then why am I not willing to say that it bothers me or that I feel it is unfair treatment of me?
Where do these feelings come from?
When did I learn that asking for equal value and fair treatment was wrong or that I am not as deserving of it as someone else is?
These thoughts and questions had evolved through my counselling process, but I had never thought about them in this context before. This relationship had been the ‘catalyst’ I needed to propel me the final distance, it had made me consider these questions in the context of a relationship… I realised that I was willing to wait for a phone call and be mad when it didn’t come. I knew that I would fume when this someone was late, but that I never really said how much it hurt me and made me feel as though my time was not important and therefore that I was not important. I knew that when this someone waited till the last minute to accept my invitations (or to commit to plans with me) that I felt powerless to object, that I didn’t have a right to have a say in whether they waited till the last minute to inform me of a plan, or if we were even getting together in the first place.
WHY??? Because deep down, I believed that I didn’t deserve more than the scraps that they could throw me. To quote my counsellor: 'He is like a VLT. You keep putting the money in, hoping it will pay out. Then when it does, you start putting all the money back in again, hoping you will eventually be rewarded again...'
Deep down, I believed that I was damned lucky to get the scraps. Deep down, I couldn't believe my luck when the VLT paid out. Deep down, I felt less than everybody else.
Once I had a chance to think about this, I realised that I do have, and should have equal value to everyone else. The rebuilding process started with these realisations. I began to see the need for me to draw boundaries. But before my boundaries were respected by others, I had to believe that I was worth it. I had to repair my broken relationship with ME. I had to really believe that I had equal privileges.
And I did that by realsing all the ways that I allowed myself to be treated. NOT from the familiar place of self blame but from a place of self love. I looked at my life and my relationships through the eyes of self love.
Through the process of counselling and EMDR, I had realised that I had first learned to be compliant and accepting of this mistreatment at a very young age, when I was powerless to have or to draw any boundaries. The bridge between my childhood and adulthood was completely missing. I carried on through my adult life just as I had been as a child, powerless and without the knowledge that I DESERVED to be valued and loved. I realised how dysfunctional most of my adult relationships had been. There was no equality.
I began the process of repairing that damage and learning to value myself. When I became strong enough, my boundaries became visible to others because they were drawn in my heart. I now believe that I am worthy. Now others have to make a decision about how they will respond to my declaration of equality. And I have a feeling, that many of them may not like it one little bit.
Now, I ask you the question again ~ what message does your relationship with yourself give to others?