Integrative / Intuitive Health and Empowerment Coaching
'Mamaita's Journey uses the gifts of a clinical academic and intuitive to empower seekers to discover that 'missing something' they need to make their life MORE!
Catch your thoughts....
April 19, 2014
My Reason for being...
May 1, 2013
'Guilty of Libel...?'
June 3, 2014
Buried so deep...
February 22, 2014
Physically, I recovered. Psychologically, Emotionally, Socially ~ I know now that I didn't. But I thought I had....
Life continued. My nursing was my salvation. I suppose you could say that my nursing became the most important thing in my world. I studied hard and I nursed hard. Determined to succeed. Yes, I was motivated. A career was within my grasp and it was also the one thing that he acknowledged. It pleased him to see me succeed and I wanted to please him so much. She was a different kettle of fish. At every opportunity she belittled my career. In fact, neither of my graduations were attended by her. He attended my Nursing grad, but not my Midwifery. That was not worth returning home for...
I look back on this time and patients names and faces drift into my mind. Their stories allowed mine to become null and void.
John... I can see his gaunt, tainted yellow face before me. Dying of pancreatic cancer. Estranged from his wife, son and daughter because of his alcoholism. He died holding my hand. Before he died, he wrote me the most beautiful letter full of wise words.
Lily... An obviously once proud and elegant lady... now feeble from the ovarian cancer and its metastatic invasion of her once elegant body. She could never bear a child... and now her life was being sapped by the very organs that had failed her continuation of life. I remember her telling me how important it was to have a child, your blood line, to continue when you end. Yes, I remember them well.
But I do not recall any thoughts about 'that night...' Only those finally recalled by the EMDR.
What I do recall, is his 'stalking' me. For the longest time, he attempted to make contact, usually by phone and once by unopened letter. Rightly or wrongly, I hid from him. Maybe he wanted to explain. Apologize. Be forgiven. But I never gave him the closure he wanted, likely needed. He was buried too deeply to be allowed to emerge. I think this may be the reason why I carried the guilt and blame for all those years... Because I knew he did have a conscience?
He eventually moved on and out of my life for good.
I continued to focus my attentions on my nursing and later, midwifery studies and practicums, and eventually, quite unexpectedly, I met and fell in love with another man who would reject me...
A devout methodist lay preacher, they despised him, especially the Narcissist and her Golden Child. Even when it became clear to them that we were to marry, they made it very clear that he would never have their approval. And neither would I.
We planned and built our new home and were excited for the future. My husband to be despised them as much as they despised him. I can see now exactly what he saw then. The Narcissist, the Enabler, the Golden Child. Now, it is so clear, but then, I tried to steer the common ground, constantly, the pawn between them and him... They would tell me one thing, he would tell me another. I would doubt him, then doubt them, then doubt myself.... Now I know this was 'gas lighting' at its best... and I struggled. Really struggled, to be happy.
The happiness never did come. The dreams came to an abrupt end.
We had been on a beautiful holiday in France. An idyllic summertime spent driving from chateau to chateau, dining well in the evenings, picnicking on fresh crusty bread, cheese and red wine during the summer's days....
Just before we boarded the ferry home, I remember him taking me in his arms and telling me that we must never, ever have any secrets from one another. In his opinion, this was the recipe for a good relationship. I remember being shaken to the core. Because I was hiding my secret from him. I don't think that until that moment I had ever considered that I should tell him... but on our journey back to the English coast, I told him everything. He said nothing. There was no reassurance. Just tears in his big blue eyes. And he remained silent for the hours that remained of our journey home.
Eventually, he would tell me that he could no longer marry me. That I had been 'soiled' and was not the 'right material' to be his wife....
My heart broke... It was as if my past had come back to haunt and destroy me. It was my punishment. I deserved it. I had brought it upon myself... I accepted it. It was all too good to be true any way.
One night, on a moment of impulse, I drove to what was to be our home, where he was now living. I remember knocking at his door... I needed to explain. Tell him how sorry I was. Ask his forgiveness. Plead that he take me back. I would do anything....
But the door was answered by a pretty girl in her nightwear. Yes, I knew her. She was a student nurse. She was Welsh. Tall. Blonde. Pretty. Everything I was not. And I fled..
They married and as far as I know, are still married today...
My already broken heart, broke into smaller pieces. And I promised myself I would never, ever put myself at the mercy of another man. Never. No more rejection. I was destined to be alone in life and so be it.