Integrative / Intuitive Health and Empowerment Coaching
'Mamaita's Journey uses the gifts of a clinical academic and intuitive to empower seekers to discover that 'missing something' they need to make their life MORE!
Catch your thoughts....
April 19, 2014
My Reason for being...
May 1, 2013
'Guilty of Libel...?'
June 3, 2014
Beginning to Self Destruct...
January 23, 2014
They were all so pretty! All so confident! Everyone laughed at their jokes. They had boyfriends! I felt so drab in comparison. But! I mustn’t let them see that! No. I had to change. I had to be more like them. I had to get some new clothes! My hair…ugh! What do I do with it? Thin and lank… a perm? Well that’s what everyone else had, right? Curls… yes! Curls. Make my hair look ‘big’. Full of body and bounce like theirs. My body. Oh bloody hell! What could I do about that? Hide it… I always did that anyway. But my clothes made me look even thinner! Too thin. Look at my legs? My knees are knobbly. That’s why they always get sunburnt, she said…because they were nearer the sun. The tops of my legs were thin. I had a gap between my thighs! That looked awful... My face. That big, bony nose. Well, I can explain that away…yes. It was true. Broken twice. Teeth! Yeah, well… And I must try not to laugh. He always says I sound like a horse when I laugh. Look like one too! And don't smile. If you do, keep your mouth closed! Boobs. What boobs? Non-existent. ‘She got your share! You don't take after me in that department!’ Yeah, thanks Narc. Bum. Flat. Jeans never fitted me properly...
These girls are all so pretty! They can laugh and joke and smile. They’re drinking wine! I’ve never had a drink before! Never. Those two smoke too. No. I would never smoke… YUK! I hate it at home! All that cigarette smoke that makes the white walls go yellow… Ugh! No! Never. But should I try drinking… Hmmmm…. ‘You be careful about drinking… they say addictive personalities are hereditary…’ I can hear his voice warning me.
Even my car is dull and boring in comparison. My little mustard coloured Austin Allegro… ‘Its a smashing little car Mant! Only ever had one owner, a little old lady. She’s looked after it well for you…’
After my first week living at the Nurses’ Residence with 5 other girls, I felt completely depressed… I was a 'nothing' in comparison to them, and it was already obvious that nobody liked me… not really… they 'put up' with me. Anyway, what does it matter? Like he always says, I can’t keep friends for long. 'I don’t know what you do Mant, but you always manage to upset somebody….'
Over the next few months, I tried desperately to ‘fit’ in with the others, but they were all leagues ahead of me. I was totally clueless. The only glimmer of hope was the nice girl who had shown some interest in me from the beginning. That was because she was kind to everybody. She was taller, prettier, with dark auburn hair tumbling over her shoulders. The prettiest blue eyes. She wore nice make-up… and her clothes were exquisite! And she was willing to be friends with me? She had a boyfriend already… he was 20. Two whole years older than us. So handsome. He stays over night… yes. Most of the girls had boyfriends who stayed over night. I was a virgin! Ha! I didn’t dare tell anybody that! Instead I ‘pretended’ I had a boyfriend in the army… Well, I kind of did, didn’t I? He wanted to be my boyfriend and we wrote to each other. Well, no, he wrote to me every week, I wrote to him when I thought I had something interesting to say. He was in Germany! A Royal Engineer! He didn’t want to know about my boring dull existence. I’ll put his letters on my pin board and his photos too. There! That will let them think I have a boyfriend…
Now if only I could get to go out to the pub with these girls and not need to throw up first! I get so nervous! I can feel it all start to well up in my stomach! And even if I take those deep breaths you’re supposed to, it never worked. I would fight it, and fight it….the salivation…I would swallow, swallow, swallow…. until I got in through the door. Make an excuse, find the toilets and ….hurl!!!! Even if I didn't eat before going out, I would still vomit all that bile…
Ok... Wash my face… Smile a hideous smile at the ugly face staring back in the mirror, deep breath and get on with it.
I wouldn’t drink… I never drank. I was the driver. That made me popular with the girls. I was always their taxi. I used to make sure they all got home ok too. Put them all to bed. Make sure they were all lying on their sides with a waste bin by there heads… just in case!
Eeeew… I remember the night they’d all been drinking ‘Pernod and Black’s’!! Yes… the white tiled bathroom back at the nurses residence was mine to clean… of course. Who else would do it? They were either too drunk, or with their boyfriends. And we’d all get into so much trouble from the accommodation officer if we left it for the cleaners to clean… I could not go home.No! I did not want to go back there… Especially now that they were convinced I had anorexia. Yes! Seriously? Anorexia? I eat as much junk as I can to try and put on weight! I hate being so skinny! Hate it… Its not my fault that when I get so nervous I throw up… I try not too. I really try hard! Like that time she sat me down at the kitchen table a few weeks ago with a mug full of Ovaltine, a malted hot chocolate drink, and a plate of digestive biscuits… ‘Go on! Eat them! Prove to us you’re not anorexic!’ I protested that this was ridiculous… For goodness sake! I’m almost 19! But the more I protested the harder she challenged. So I ate them… and I could feel it all welling up again, like my stomach was going to burst. The inevitable happened. I was so anxious I threw it all back up… all over her white carpets and white walls in the hall way. There…you win again! I’m ‘anorexic’! You convinced him. More trouble brought to their door…. 'Even after you leave home you still cause this family problems….what are we going to do with you…?'
Another EMDR session.
So. My first year of my nurse training passed. I was happier, because I was away from home. I lied to them saying that I was working extra shifts and couldn't go home on my days off. Instead I would shut myself away in my room and read. Listen to Elvis and the Everley Brothers. West Side Story. Dr Zhivago. But it was so hard to fit in. So hard to get people to like me. So hard always trying to make out I was better than I was. So hard being around people when all I wanted to do was hide away. But I had to do it! I had to make this work!
And so it began. The never ending placement of high expectation upon myself. Challenge myself to do things. Always pushing myself a bit further. Hide the real me. Don't let anybody see how weak and pathetic you are. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had a ‘Social Anxiety Disorder’ and I was determined to over come it...