Integrative / Intuitive Health and Empowerment Coaching
'Mamaita's Journey uses the gifts of a clinical academic and intuitive to empower seekers to discover that 'missing something' they need to make their life MORE!
Catch your thoughts....
April 19, 2014
My Reason for being...
May 1, 2013
'Guilty of Libel...?'
June 3, 2014
Rejection and Materialism...
January 12, 2014
I had lost her because she failed to draw boundaries... She had rejected me and chosen the Narcissist... She had 'won' another round and had taken the final loved one away from me... and all because she was unable to draw boundaries... I was unimportant to her, and so was my son.
I had drawn those boundaries... Why couldn't she?
My boundaries were by now well established and to be honest, it had not been that difficult because the Narcissist was the 'Ignoring' type. She never made any attempt to cross those boundaries. It was easy for her to let me go... another rejection. But the biggest rejection of all was his... he had chosen her over me...
Looking back now, with the clarity and knowledge that time and healing brings, I can understand how difficult it would have been for her. How how much she feared the rejection / abandonment that would come along with drawing those boundaries...
For years I had been willing to go back to ‘trying to understand her’ and ‘trying to change me’ rather than face that fear of rejection. I had looked for excuses for her behaviour toward me. 'She had never had a good role model', 'She was unwell' I would listen to his excuses for her
'She is a complicated lady...if I didn't love her, I would hate her, but I love her, very much...', 'You know what she's like, accept that and move on...', 'She may come across to others as hard and abrasive, but she is really very vulnerable and fragile...' Oh yes...so many excuses for her... he was always protecting her...defending her...
I wonder sometimes why I took so long to break away... I thought about it often enough. I even tried to run away from home age 9! But I think I was was extremely afraid of the rejection... so afraid that I was unwilling to look at the truth and consider that continuing to put up with it was actually more damaging than being rejected. To stay was sapping everything from me leaving me emotionally bereft. I was putting all this effort into a relationship knowing that if I stopped doing that, I would be dumped.
The truth was that I was putting a huge amount of effort into my other relationships too... relationships with people that I knew deep down would reject me if I stopped putting in that effort and stood up to them. I seemed to 'attract' these kinds of people... This was frightening...
My fear of rejection was stronger than my desire to have mutually respectful relationships.
She too,was in that place now... her biggest fear was if she stood up to her and refused to comply with her wishes, dared to draw that boundary, she would be rejected just like me.
Added to that fear was her need for security... and that was easy for the Narcissist to manipulate... and use to her advantage. She, was very materialistic... surrounding herself with nothing but the best of everything... she was also very vain... spending a fortune on her clothes and her makeup... she was impressed by wealth... She never went anywhere without all her diamonds and gold jewelry. They were both very money motivated... she also loved to spend, just like the Narcissist... but whereas one would smuggle her purchases into the house to bypass him, and then pretend they were not new and she had had them for months, even years, the other would buy items and hang them in her wardrobe, labels still on, just because she wanted them. Handbags, shoes, cosmetics...and nothing but the best brand names. Her bathroom cupboards were filled with items from the top houses, Christian Dior, Chanel, Givenchy, MAC... One of the main reasons for her marriage breakdown was apparently her uncontrolled spending. A year after her divorce she declared herself bankrupt...
Shortly before my final contact her, the Narcissist and her Enabler played their trump card, very successfully, driving a very final wedge, ensuring the Golden Child's total dependance and loyalty to them. She was made the sole beneficiary and executor of their will and estate... and as it stands today, when she comes into the inheritance, she will be a considerably wealthy lady... Touche!