Integrative / Intuitive Health and Empowerment Coaching
'Mamaita's Journey uses the gifts of a clinical academic and intuitive to empower seekers to discover that 'missing something' they need to make their life MORE!
Catch your thoughts....
April 19, 2014
My Reason for being...
May 1, 2013
'Guilty of Libel...?'
June 3, 2014
The Process of 'No Contact'...
January 10, 2014
No Contact means that you, totally and categorically cut off ALL contact with the Narcissist and their Enablers. This is identified as a very big and important subject but is also cited as the only way to heal from the psychological damage of years. No Contact is a very big decision. It has huge challenges, but, there are so very, very many rewards...
The first step to No Contact is the heady, but terrifying, realization that it's possible! The cultural indoctrination is so strong: Of course you have to stay in touch with your family! No Contact is a totally mad idea!
The fear for many is strong: 'Who will I be able to depend on if I go No Contact?' 'Will I end up lonely?' For me, again, this was no real problem. I had my husband and my son... they were all I needed.
The guilt for many is strong: 'How can I be so cruel as to abandon them by going No Contact?'
The next step is the painful - but ultimately liberating one... 'You will finally be giving up the dream, the fantasy, that you will ever have a real family.' This is cited as one of the biggest things that keeps victims enmeshed in a dysfunctional and damaging relationship: the hope that one day the narcissist will change. The reality is that they won't. If they are truly Narcissistic, they won't. And a hugely important part of the journey is to finally accept that, so that one can walk away.
Many would have to consider how they are actually going to go No Contact. I have spoken to many who were literally sick with nerves wondering how to tell them they didn't want to see them again.
Some may phone, some may write. Others may tell a relative... the enabler even, in their role of assisting and protecting the Narcissist, they might not pass the message on...
'No Contact', for me, was relatively easy, from both a practical perspective and an emotional one. I have always read and relied upon my 'gut instinct' and that instinct, combined with the mother's need to protect her son, was so powerful, whenever I had doubts they would fight them back.
I simply stopped making contact. I had never done that before. I had always 'given in' and bowed down, accepted that I was 'wrong' and apologized, become ridden with guilt and confusion, accepting that I really was such a dreadful person to have caused so much hurt ...
For me, it was relatively easy. I made only one effort to resume contact, and that was refused. And the Narcissist made none.
Talking more specifically about the types of Narcissist, The Ignoring Type, is relatively easy to separate from. They simply 'ignore'.
An Engulfing Type, however, can be very difficult. Again, I have spoken to many in similar situations to mine over the last couple of years, who have been constantly harassed and manipulated, hunted down even, to renew the contact.
The Engulfing Type will feel threatened at the prospect of losing all the Narcissistic Supply they get from the victim. This one may try all sorts of tricks to keep the victim enmeshed, for example, suddenly becoming nice, and seeming to become, in the case of a 'Narcissistic Mother', the 'mother' the victim always wanted. This must be very hard to resist. It would be all your dreams coming true! The mother you had been denied just when you had finally accepted it wasn't going to happen... then she'll turn again and make it even more difficult to break away again.
(There is a very clear WARNING here! If she's a true Narcissist, then she can never change. As soon as you're back in the web and involved with her, she'll drop the 'nice' and revert to how she always was - or maybe be even nastier for a while, to punish you for having thought of leaving her)
Or, if she has successfully infantilized the daughter enough, she might sneer at her - she will never survive without her - and the daughter may well believe her.
Or she may just refuse to honour the daughters decision, and call around, phone and basically stalk. It's not unheard of for daughters to have to obtain No Contact Orders for their mothers.
Or she may try to get to the daughter via others - using siblings, father, other relatives. She may prime them to phone and get them to say things like, 'How could you do this? You're breaking your mother's heart, you know. She's crying all the time. She can't believe you're doing this to her. After all she's done for you, all these years. She loves you and misses you and all she wants is to see you again.' It must be very hard to stand up against that.
At the time, I was unaware of any of these facts or that the result might be the destruction of my other relationships. It took her 4 years... but that mission was eventually accomplished. I am now reliably informed that this 'destruction' and 'embezzlement' of your relationships is not unusual in No Contact situations.